


I Think You Could Save My Life

by parka_girl



Category: Alex Rider - Horowitz
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-19
Updated: 2009-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-04 16:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parka_girl/pseuds/parka_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The stress of being a spy finally catches up with Alex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Think You Could Save My Life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ang_the_adverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ang_the_adverse/gifts).



> Set in Alex's future. Title of the fic comes from Adam Lambert's song Whataya Want From Me. Yuletide gift for ang_the_adverse.

**Alex**   
_Maybe it'd help to talk to someone._

The words echo through your head. You hear Jack's voice, Sabina's parents, Tom, even the MI6 psychologist. You've talked to them all. You had that. At one point you even thought maybe they were right, that it could help. You emailed Sabina every day for a year, you had Jack taking care of you and Tom always waited.

And then you turned eighteen.

You never wanted to be a spy, but four years of your life vanished. They belong only to MI6 and no matter how many times you talk to people, there are just some things you can't tell them. Maybe that's why you stopped emailing Sabina. Maybe that's why Jack suggested you get a flat of your own. And maybe, no -- you know this for sure, it's definitely why Tom stopped waiting for you to come home.

After the last mission, where you spent far too long at the bottom of a frozen lake before the rescue, you came home to an empty flat. Tom was gone. James wouldn't return your calls. And then you just stopped calling. What's the point when everything gets destroyed in the end?

You hadn't meant to end up alone. But then again, you never wanted to be like your uncle, either with his boring desk job that wasn't even real or the spy you never really knew. You didn't even want to avenge your parents' death or save the goddamn world. You just ended up being good at it. Sometimes it felt like the only thing you were good at, so you did it. It's not like you really had a choice.

Which is why you're in the middle of the ocean on an American aircraft carrier. It's not like it matters what you do anymore. You might as well get paid for doing something you're good at. Who cares if you like it? Except that you know you're lying to yourself. You're good, you're not stupid enough to think otherwise, but you hate it anyway.

You stare down the barrel of the gun pointed at your face and then up to the Marine holding it. You close your eyes and you can see your orders floating behind your eyelids. _Take out subject, by any means necessary._ You're not an assassin, but you're not a kid anymore either. You know how to use the gun in the holster on your hip, you just haven't gotten around to getting it out yet.

You're too young to have killed so many people, but sometimes it couldn't be helped. You're not fourteen anymore. You open your eyes again and you watch the man across from you, though he's not much older than you. He just wants to go home, it's not your fault that he can't. It's not your fault that he's lost his mind. It's not your fault that he's killed a handful of British soldiers who've been fighting in Iraq. You wonder how long before you turn out just like him.

You meet his gaze and you think about how easy it would be to just let him pull the trigger. You think you could probably stop him, but maybe you don't want to. If you die, everyone can move on with their lives. Tom can find someone else, James won't feel guilty, Sabina will be able to stop worrying and Jack will finally be happy. And you? You won't have to deal with this anymore. No matter how many people you talk to, it never works out. The lies get harder and one day you're going to break down, why not now?

You can hear the safety click off and you think, _oh, I should do something_. Except you don't move. Every instinct is telling you to fight back, to do _something_. Anything. But you ignore it, because you've stopped caring. Giving up now is so much easier than fighting. Why bother when there's nothing to lose?

Suddenly, there's a crack and the Marine in front of you collapses at your feet. You look down at the blood pooling on the floor and then you look up. You don't know how you know who it is, but you do. You let your eyes travel up his body and when you see Wolf's face looking at you, you want to run. Maybe get him to shoot that gun again, this time at you.

"Don't you dare, Cub." He calls you by a name you haven't heard in years.

You can't meet his gaze anymore, you drop your face toward the floor, letting your eyes rest on the body of the dead Marine.

"Blunt said you'd be fine. Mrs. Jones said you were going to crack." Wolf's words are monotone and you know he's trying to get you to look up again. "I invited myself along."

He steps over the body and pushes you away. You don't have any fight left. For all your talk, you're just not strong enough. The moment Wolf spoke, you think you knew you gave up. Again. It's easier to let him push you along, talk to your superiors on the carrier. You shut off, because it's easier than having to deal with living.

**Wolf**   
_I keep telling them he's had enough, but they won't listen. He's fearless, too dangerous for his own good. He's going to crack, he's going to die, and I won't let it happen._

He remembers the conversation as if it happened five minutes ago. He replayed it over and over as the helicopter took him to the carrier. He played it again as he tried to fall asleep, as he started following Alex around the ship. He was careful to keep out of sight. The last thing Alex needed was a distraction, but the more Wolf watched him, the more he realized that maybe distraction was exactly what Alex needed.

The confrontation came far sooner than expected. The Marine figured out who Alex was, followed him and Wolf almost missed it. But in the end he hadn't been too late. He also hadn't acted as soon as maybe he should have, but he couldn't help it. He wanted to know how this played out, how Alex was going to handle the situation. What he hadn't counted on was the fact that Alex wanted everything to end in that final sort of way no one recognizes until it's too late.

As he studied the look on Alex's face, Wolf realized that MI6 had ruined this boy. Turned him into a man far before his time and then destroyed him. He could see the wheels turning in Alex's head. He watched Alex make that decision, cross that line that few men ever reach. He watched as Alex decided to die. And then Wolf knew what he had to do. He didn't even have to think about it, the protection instinct took over. No way was this marine going to hurt his cub.

Wolf did what he had to do. He wasn't happy about it, he'd never really been a big fan of killing and after his time in Iraq -- and, oh, how he hoped Alex wouldn't end up there -- he'd developed a strong distaste for it. He wasn't even technically supposed to be here, this was his leave. But when Mrs. Jones called, he knew he couldn't stay away. And now that he's watched Alex's downward spiral, he isn't so sure he's ready to go back to Iraq, or anywhere else for that matter.

He looks over at the bed next to his, at Alex, who wasn't sleeping, but now is. They're still on the carrier so the room's cramped, but at least they don't have to share with anyone else. He isn't sure Alex would want people to see him like this, or to see him at all, really. They didn't have to sedate him, but Wolf was afraid that Alex wasn't ever going to fall asleep. And so he asked the ship's doctor and now Alex is asleep. Even, smooth breathing and he looks like he's only 16. Wolf doesn't have to wonder where all the years have gone, he knows.

He opens up his bag and pulls out the small laptop, one of those clever netbook things, that Mrs. Jones gave him. It doesn't get the carrier's wireless, but he doesn't care. It has information that he didn't have clearance to see last week, but now, as of two days ago, he does. He types in the password, then another, and he's logged on. He's read most of these files, on the plane from London to the American base in Stuttgart and then the plane from Germany to some country in Africa that he can't remember the name of.

He'd barely paid attention to where he was going and he can hear his mates back in Baghdad yelling at him for it. But he can't help it. He hadn't known half -- no, even less than that, of the things they'd had Alex do. The more he reads, the angrier he gets. By the time the helicopter dumped him on the carrier, he was out for blood. He'd settled down, mostly because he saw Alex, but also because the people he wanted to hurt were either dead or MI6. And while there's not a lot you can do to get back at the dead, there's even less you can do to the government.

He opens one of the newer reports. He'd read the most recent, the mission before the current one. Where Alex nearly (or probably, even if only for a moment) died. The previous one is less harmful to Alex, at least physically. He skims it, learning the details as best he can. More victims, Alex taking out a whole group of people. He's read almost everything and the boy he reads about looks far different from the one asleep in the bed.

"Alex," he says, knowing it won't wake him. "What have they done to you?"

He pulls the bedclothes up and over Alex's shoulder. He stirs, just slightly, rolling onto his side. Wolf wants to get in bed with him, wrap him up in his arms and protect him. But he doesn't know if he should, if Alex even wants that. It's not like he doesn't know about Tom. He and Alex emailed occasionally, at least at first, and there are personnel files on the computer. But Wolf knows he's too old to be anything more to Alex. For now he'll settle on being a vague sort of protector.

He shuts the netbook off, shoving it back in his bag, and then climbs into the other bed. Reaching up, he turns the lights off. He can't see Alex across the room, but he can hear his breathing. He lies awake for a long time, thinking about Alex, about his own future, before eventually succumbing to sleep.

**Alex**  
At first you think you've been kidnapped. They drugged you, tied you up and left you somewhere to die. Then the fogginess clears and you look around. It's dawn, or something close to it and there's someone asleep in the other bed. You close your eyes, rubbing them, and you remember the mission with a start. You sit up almost immediately and then it hits you. The dead Marine. Wolf.

Startled and out of sorts, you look over at the bed. It's Wolf, curled up, deeply asleep but facing you. You want to shake him awake and yell at him. You want to make him fight you, but you don't have the energy. You remember what it was like, standing in front of the gun. You put your hand under your shirt, pressing your fingers against the scar on your chest. You remember not wanting to die once.

Now all you want to do is die.

You look around and that's when you see the laptop, sticking out of the edge of Wolf's bag. You pick it up. It's light, tiny and you remember the netbook you have back in the flat you barely see. You turn it on and hack your way in. You didn't know anything about computers when everything started, but you sure as hell do now. And, you think with a slight smile, MI6 really needs to work on their computer security.

The desktop is basically empty. An icon for Firefox, Internet Explorer, My Computer, the Recycle Bin and ... you stop. There's a folder labeled 'Alex.' You double click, it opens and there's your history at MI6. You open files at random, scrolling past your life. You find one titled 'Personal Life' and there's everything about you. You look at Wolf and wonder if he's read this. There's information on Jack, on your parents, on Ash. On everyone you knew. Sabina's family. Ben. Even Wolf. And then there's Tom.

You hesitate, then open it. There's nothing but a few lines stating a romantic interest between you and Tom. And then, almost as an afterthought, a note mentioning that Tom presents no risk. Nice to know, you think, slamming the netbook closed. Your life, neatly summed up in a few documents. They'll be the only thing left after you die. Isn't that what always happens with spies like you?

"Didn't like what you read?" Wolf's voice startles you. He isn't sitting up, just laying there, watching.

"You think you know me now?" You snap, words out of control, just like your life.

Wolf sits up now. "I don't know you. I can't even imagine what life is like for you."

You feel bad, because they let you read the reports about Wolf in Iraq and Afghanistan. You know about the people he killed, the people who died around him. But you don't care about that today, not now, maybe not ever.

"Why didn't you let him kill me?" The words are out before you can stop them.

Wolf doesn't answer right away. "I couldn't let you kill yourself."

The words hang between you and you think about the headline. _British MI6 Agent Killed, Suicide by Marine_. It would be sensational. The whole world would know about your demise. Life would be so much easier if it just stopped.

You look up and Wolf's still watching you. It makes you uncomfortable, you're not used to people caring. Or you haven't been around anyone who cared, not for a long time. Oh, sure, Tom cared. He loved you and you probably loved him, but Tom wasn't going to wait forever and you couldn't give him what he wanted. MI6 made sure of that.

"I hate them." And you know Wolf knows exactly who you're talking about.

He stands, walking across the tiny space between the beds and sits down next to you. "The first time I met you, I thought the whole idea of you was fucked. But you, Alex. You were bloody good at everything. You never gave up and you made the rest of us look like a bunch of second class nobodies."

You sneer at Wolf, you don't want to hear this. "Don't even try it. My life is in _ruins_ and you offer me _pity_?"

You want to get off this ship right now. You need to get away from this, from everything. You have to get away. You don't know how much of this you can stand. Except the only place you can go is the bathroom. You walk to the door, hand on the knob and you can feel Wolf staring at you. You turn and he's standing.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to drown myself." You're close to shouting or breaking and you don't want to do either. You want to get out, to get away. But as soon as you open the door, you remember where you are.

You slam the door shut and look at Wolf.

"We're leaving in an hour," he says simply and starts packing up his bag.

You glance around the room and notice your stuff's been packed already. You look at Wolf and he looks right back and then shrugs. You want so badly to hate him. You want to throw things at him, to make him fight and shout and argue. You want to be upset, you want to hurt because it means you're feeling something other than the urge to run up to the top of the carrier and throw yourself off.

Almost as if he's reading your mind, Wolf stops what he's doing and stands. He looks at you. You're torn, because he's giving you the look Tom used to give you and it freaks you out. Not because it's Wolf (because you kind of like that it is), but because the last thought you had was how to get out of this room so you could kill yourself. And now here's Wolf, looking at you and all your resolve is ebbing away.

You watching Wolf's face change, you know he's reading whatever's on your face. You're probably giving yourself away. And then you think, you can't have this, you don't deserve it and you grit your teeth, pulling yourself together. You turn away from Wolf and sit at the foot of your bed. Cross legged, back against the wall and you wait.

**Wolf**  
It was that moment, when he looked at Alex, that he gave himself away. Looking back as they're sitting in the helicopter as it's flying back to the tiny airport in Ghana, he got the name of it this time, he remembers the way Alex stared at him. He saw the realization and there wasn't disgust, at least not at first. But Wolf's not stupid enough to think that any of this is about him.

He turns, shifting just enough so he can watch Alex. This helicopter feels like it's all windows and Alex looks everywhere but at Wolf. This can't go on, he thinks, but he has no choice. He's not about to let Alex out of his sight. Not after what happened in the hall with the Marine and his gun and definitely not what happened afterward.

Mrs. Jones was right, but damned if Wolf knows how to tell her. If only he could figure out how to extend his leave. For the first time in his life he's overcome by the urge _not_ to return to his unit. He doesn't know how to explain this, he doesn't even think he wants to. Even as he watches Alex, and then stares out at the water as they fly, he thinks about the letter he's going to send to Mrs. Jones.

_Thanks to you, Alex is no longer a boy. He's no longer a man, either. You were right when you said he'd crack. You were right because he already had. And yet you failed to notice. Maybe it's time Alex stopped. Which is exactly what he's going to do. And while you're destroying all his files, you might as well tell the SAS that I'm not coming back._

Oh, Wolf is sure that'll go over _well_ with everyone concerned. But what else can he do? He gives up thinking about it and lets the day pass uneventfully. They stay in a tiny motel in a city Wolf doesn't remember the name of in Ghana. He gives Alex the bed and a sleeping pill, spending his own night in a chair. His back is killing him in the morning, but he doesn't complain. It's not like Alex is talking.

They make it back to Stuttgart without incident. They get a bigger hotel room, they could have had two but Wolf decides he's not ready to leave Alex alone. Not that he's really worried he'll slit his wrists or anything, but he's still ... no, actually. The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he _is_ worried.

They order dinner, only Alex doesn't eat. Just picks at his food before complaining about being tired and crawling into one of the beds. Wolf doesn't believe it, but he won't force Alex to do anything, not yet at least. So he lets Alex sleep and tries to figure out what he's going to tell Mrs. Jones. He opens the netbook, starting up Word, and stares at the blank page. He doesn't know how long he's been staring at the computer, but it's long enough that it's gone to sleep.

The room's bathed in darkness and just as he's about to go brush his teeth, he hears something from Alex's bed. At first he thinks he's just imagining it and then he realizes that Alex probably thinks he's asleep. It's a whimper, then a choked sob and Wolf knows exactly what's happening. He doesn't think, just like in the hall with the Marine, he acts.

Alex is crying and Wolf knows they'll probably never talk about this for the rest of however long they live. But right now, Wolf doesn't care about the future or anything else, just Alex. He crosses the room to the bed, stopping at the edge and then he crawls onto it. Alex turns and in the dim light from the partly closed bathroom door, Wolf can see the tears sliding down Alex's cheeks.

He goes to brush them away, but Alex flinches back. But only for a second, because then he's attacking Wolf. Hitting at him, but not hard enough to hurt. Wolf doesn't stop him at first, but then he grabs Alex's wrists, letting him struggle. Alex doesn't shout, he doesn't even sob. And then suddenly all the fight leaves him. Wolf watches as it just drains away.

So he does the only thing he can think of, maybe not the smartest thing, but he's beyond caring about that. He pulls Alex as close as he can, wrapping his arms around him. Holding him. He expects resistance, maybe a bit of pushing and shoving, but it doesn't happen. Instead, Alex collapses against him. A quiet sob escapes and then nothing, just the sounds of their breathing.

It's only a little later that Wolf realizes that Alex actually slept. No drugs, no persuasion to get into bed. Just, Wolf thinks, exhaustion. It doesn't take him much longer to follow Alex into sleep.

**Alex**  
Sunlight streams into the room and you cannot believe you forgot to shut the curtains again. You think that Tom'll kill you, he hates mornings. You shift, moving slowly and that's when you realize this isn't your flat. You're not in bed with Tom and this isn't like every other morning. You turn slowly and there's Wolf, sprawled out in bed next to you. You stare at him, his t-shirt riding up, showing a bit of hip and for a moment you're distracted.

Then everything hits you like a train. You can't breathe as you remember why you're in this luxury hotel, why the brochure on the night table is in German, why Wolf is in bed next to you. The room spins a bit and you feel like you've been punched in the stomach. You're wheezing, trying to get a grip and that's when Wolf wakes up.

"Alex! Alex ..." His voice rips through the roaring in your ears.

You look at him, wide-eyed and scared. You don't know how to handle panic like this. You can deal with bad guys and guns and even flying into outer space, but this fear. This deep in your bones, sucking your breath away panic is new. New and terrifying and the only thing keeping you grounded is the sound of Wolf's voice.

You try to speak, to say his name, but nothing comes out. You panic more, sweaty palms and you're shaking and then suddenly Wolf kisses you. The world stops, you focus in on that one thing. His mouth on yours. Wolf's _mouth_ on yours and you should panic, but it's about the only thing that makes sense. Your brain kicks in and you kiss him back, hard and rough. Maybe too much of both because Wolf pulls back.

"I'm sorry ... I shouldn't've done that." He looks sheepish and definitely not like he's older than you are.

You shake you head. "Wolf, I ..." You don't know what to say. _I liked it_ or maybe _you tasted good_, but none of those sound right. So you do the only thing you can think of, you crawl over to him and kiss him again.

He lifts his hand up, fingers against the back of your neck. You open your mouth, you let him lead and suddenly everything feels like it's going to be fine. Wolf pushes you onto your back as you scrape at his sides. You remember exactly how long it's been since you've had sex, but you don't think you want that just yet.

You don't know how Wolf gets it, but he does. He presses a hand to your face, stroking softly. You're breathing hard and you start to tense as he pulls away, but he's just moving a little. Kissing along your jaw, your neck and then back up to your mouth. After a moment, he pulls back and slides off of you. You feel the panic start again and you hate this feeling of helplessness.

Wolf looks down at you and you feel exposed. You squeeze your eyes shut, but then he kisses you again. It's soft and gentle, so unlike anything you've ever experienced. You don't open your eyes, not even when he kisses you again. You're afraid it'll all go away.

"Alex?" Wolf whispers, lips barely brushing against yours.

You do open your eyes this time. "I'm ..." And you don't know how to describe it. You're scared and terrified and you're feeling weak, and you've never been weak. Not even when you thought maybe things were going to end. Not until the mission on the carrier.

"It's going to be okay," Wolf says softly, kissing you again.

You shift and then roll into his arms. You press your face against his chest, but you don't cry. His arms slide around you and he holds you. You don't want to leave, you want to feel safe. You want Wolf's words to be right, but you don't believe them. You can't, because every time someone tells you that it'll work out, everything goes wrong.

He rubs his hand along your back as he pulls you in closer. He tugs the duvet over both of you. You shift a little as he lies on his back. You rest your head on his chest and suddenly you're tired. So tired you can barely keep your eyes open. He brushes his fingers along your face, then holds you again and the last thing you remember is the sound of his heartbeat.

**Wolf**  
First it's Alex's mobile, deep in his bag and Wolf lets it go to voicemail. Then it's his own mobile. Then Alex's again, then back to his. Voicemail every time and he knows with some sort of absolute certainty that it's MI6 calling about their agent. About Alex. It's not until the hotel phone rings that he finally gives in and answers the phone.

Alex looks over at Wolf as he sits up. He shifts closer, his head resting on Wolf's lap. He runs his fingers along Alex's closely-cropped hair. He looks down at him as the phone rings, stops and then rings some more and he's struck by the fact that he wants Alex to be able to grow his hair longer again. He wants to be able to run his fingers through it. As he reaches for the phone, he chides himself. He's SAS. He's not allowed to make plans about the future, most of the time he's not even sure if he'll even have a future. And yet that's exactly what he's doing.

He answers the phone and he's not at all surprised when it's Mrs. Jones on the end of the line.

"Wolf." He has no idea what her tone of voice is trying to convey, but he feels oddly embarrassed.

"Speaking." He can't help being just a little curt.

"You were supposed to report in as soon as you made contact with Alex." There's concern in her voice, not that he cares. He cannot let himself care. Alex is far more important.

"I know." He keeps his voice even, flat.

Alex sits up and Wolf shakes his head just slightly and catches Alex's gaze. They hold still for a moment and then Wolf reaches out and brushes his fingers against Alex's face. It makes Alex smile and Wolf can't pretend it doesn't make his heart skip a few beats. He thought he was too old for this kind of thing, but Alex has always been special.

Mrs. Jones' voice is droning on in his ear. "... need to return Alex to us immediately."

Wolf shifts his attention away from Alex, who has curled up under the duvet again, and back to the phone. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

He can hear Mrs. Jones sigh. "I said, MI6 requires you to return Alex to us immediately."

This is the moment. He can feel the tension that Mrs. Jones probably isn't even aware of. He looks down at Alex and then shifts down until he's lying next to him. Phone still pressed against his ear as he pulls Alex into his arms. There's no way he's letting them take Alex from him.

"I'm sorry, but that's not possible." He's firm, but gentle. He feels Alex shift closer.

"I don't think you understood me. You will return Alex to us." She's sharp, disapproving.

Every instinct in Wolf is telling him he has to obey, but he's had enough. Alex has had enough. It's about time someone looked out for Alex. And from where he's at, he's pretty damn sure that he's the only one who can do that.

"I'm sorry." His tone is fierce enough that it catches Alex's attention. "But Alex is done with you."

Wolf waits, hoping that Mrs. Jones will see reason. He doesn't really hold out a lot of hope, but he knows she wants what's best for Alex. Unfortunately for her, that doesn't involve MI6.

"If you continue to resist, we will have to send someone out to fetch him and you will be arrested." Even though he expected as much, it still stings.

He holds the phone away from his ear for a moment and looks at Alex. Then he reaches out, two fingers under Alex's chin and they kiss. Wolf knows why he's doing this and from the look on Alex's face when they pull back, he understands too.

"You're not going to do that. In fact, you're going to tell Mr. Blunt and MI6 that Alex is done working for you." He pauses, if only to catch Alex's eye, then goes on. "And while you're at it, you can tell SAS that I'll be taking an extended leave. Perhaps permanent."

There's no room for argument and when Mrs. Jones speaks, it's clear she understands this. "Is this what he wants?" Her tone is resigned.

"Would you like to speak to him?" This is the only part of Wolf's plan that he isn't sure about. He knows that Alex wants out, but with him? He doesn't know that. They've barely had time to adjust to being back in Europe, much less talk about what happened -- or anything really.

Alex holds out his hand for the phone and Wolf hands it over without waiting for Mrs. Jones to reply.

Alex listens intently at first, but Wolf watches the anger flash across his face. He reaches out and slides his hand into Alex's, squeezing it. Alex squeezes back, so tight it would hurt if Wolf was anyone else. He tugs Alex, pulling him closer. Finally Alex replies to whatever Mrs. Jones said.

"Everything he said was right. Goodbye." His voice is full of rage and before Wolf holds the phone up to his ear, he leans in and kisses him. Alex returns the kiss, hard and needy and it's only as an afterthought that he remembers the phone.

"I hope everything's clear now, Mrs. Jones," he says in his best 'I'm a good boy' voice.

"This is not the end, Wolf," she replies, but he can almost detect a hint of pride in her voice.

Alex crawls into his lap, almost too big. Too tall and lanky, but he manages to fit anyway. Wolf rests his head against the top of Alex's and almost smiles into the phone.

"I wouldn't expect anything less," he finally says and then hangs up before Mrs. Jones can formulate any sort of reply.

Alex looks at Wolf and he holds Alex's gaze. And then Alex shifts, leaning in and his mouth finds Wolf's. He kisses him hard, crushing. Wolf pushes his hands under the hem of Alex's t-shirt, scraping his fingers along his skin. Alex deepens the kiss, opening his mouth against Wolf's. They sit, twisted together and Wolf doesn't ever want this to end.

**Alex**  
You don't know how everything can change so quickly. One day you're facing the barrel of a gun, wanting to die, the next you're curled up in bed with Wolf. This wasn't the life you expected. This wasn't the life Uncle Ian wanted for you, but then again, what did he really know?

Shifting, you press your mouth against Wolf's and he kisses you back, fingers against the back of your neck. You cuddle closer, hand against his chest, rubbing your fingers lightly. You haven't fucked, you haven't really gone beyond kissing and a little touching, but it's fine. You don't even mind that sometimes Wolf treats you like you're going to break. Because, if you're honest, you feel like you're going to shatter.

Wolf strokes your face and you kiss him. Gently, soft and then harder. You want him so much you can't even explain it. Every minute he's not with you, it's like a vast ocean of silence threatens to swallow you up. It's like nothingness is going to take over. You hate to be so needy, so clingy, but you know you can't help it. And, for whatever reason, Wolf doesn't seem to mind. You don't know how you'll ever repay him for it.

You kiss him again and then pull back. He watches as you pull your shirt off, revealing the scars that pepper your chest. You suck in air as he presses his fingers against the one on your chest, the one that almost took your life. You can almost see him picturing what happened. You shudder a little as he presses his palm against your chest. You reach up and cover his hand with your own.

He sits up and then leans in, kissing you without moving his hand. You shift suddenly, crawling onto his lap. You pull at his shirt and he peels it off. You run your fingers down the scars on his chest and it makes you feel better. Like you're not so alone anymore. He kisses you again and you shift, pressing against him.

You know he wants you, you can feel it like you feel the blood running through your veins. It turns you on, it makes you feel loved. You kiss him again, deeper and harder. He slides his hands down, over your ass and you suddenly know what you want. You look at him, wishing you knew how to ask. You don't want to take it, but from the way he's looking at you, you don't think it matters anymore.

In the end, he gives it to you. Permission, his love, whatever you want. It's yours and you give yourself to him. You press him onto his back, you lead because you need this. It's the only control you have left. You don't miss the irony, but you don't care. You kiss him harder and you know maybe you'll fuck him one day, but this is enough for now. Your hips against his. He arches under you and you feel him, hard against you.

Moaning softly, you bite at his neck, then work your mouth down, biting and licking his scars before shifting up again. You kiss him hard, rough and then gently. He hooks his leg around one of yours, pressing your bodies together. You angle your hips, pressing your cock against his through two pairs of boxers. He moans this time and you can't help but whimper. You've been in Germany for two weeks and you know you can't last much longer.

He scrapes his nails along your back, kissing you hard and you come first. You can't remember the last time you did this. Your whole body shakes and it's all you can do not to cry. You whimper again, and then you feel him come, shuddering silently under you. You kiss him over and over, frantic and needy. He returns your kisses, arms sliding tightly around you.

You press your face against his neck and you're both breathing hard. He strokes your hair, and it's growing back. You don't mind, you hated the buzz cut. His hand slides down, rubbing your back and you kiss his neck, his jaw. You should move, you should get up and shower or at least roll off of him, but you don't. And he doesn't move either, just wraps his arms around you again, content to just be with you.

You think that maybe, just _maybe_, this is what love feels like.

**Wolf**  
The hardest thing, harder than telling MI6 that Alex wasn't coming back, was returning to London. They couldn't stay in that hotel in Stuttgart forever, no matter how nice it was. Wolf offered to go back without Alex, but as he expected, Alex didn't want to be away from him. Not that Wolf minded, or even expected anything else. He'd discovered that he needed Alex almost as much as Alex needed him.

Occasionally he'd wondered why it worked and, even less frequently, he thought about what people might think of them. But even though he and Alex hadn't talked about it, he could almost sense that it didn't matter, at least not in any sort of significant way.

The plane ride to London was quiet. Everything about the trip seemed subdued, from the children to the look on Alex's face. As soon as they took off, Wolf slid his hand over Alex's. He was rewarded with a shy smile. It was the first time in almost three months that they'd been anywhere except the small selection of shops and restaurants surrounding the hotel. Wolf could tell that Alex was as nervous as he felt.

It wasn't the flight, it was what was waiting for them at the end of the trip. Debriefing, seeing Alex's former guardian Jack, and visiting the graves of Alex's uncle and parents. Really, Wolf thought, it was about Alex saying goodbye. They'd made plans, pending MI6 approval, to vanish. They hadn't picked a place yet, but they had a list of locations. Cities, some of them, and others in the middle of nowhere.

Wolf had suggested that they could have two places, but Alex shook his head. He told Wolf he wanted one place. Someplace special, somewhere he didn't have to run from, just to. And Wolf found he couldn't disagree with that. They'd been through too much, together and separate, to settle for anything complicated.

The plane lands smoothly and Wolf pulls their hands apart. The only thing he wants to do is lean over and kiss Alex, but he refrains from it, settling for when they're finally alone in their hotel room. Wolf had suggested maybe they could stay in Alex's uncle's house, after all, he'd said, Jack still lived there. Alex said no to that and to the flat and then Wolf realized that Alex was trying to escape his past. It hurt, just a little, but eventually he figured out that Alex mostly wanted to start fresh.

As they walk toward the baggage claim, he feels Alex step in closer. Again, he wants to slide his hand into Alex's, to hold him close, but unlike on the plane, he keeps from doing it. They walk close together, weaving their way through the crowds. It isn't until they reach the baggage claim that Wolf realizes they're being tailed.

"You noticed, from the moment we deplaned," Wolf whispers, leaning in so his lips brush Alex's ear.

Alex nods, pressing his hand against Wolf's chest, finger curling slightly in his shirt. "Two men and a woman. Blunt's men," he replies, lips barely moving and then he gently kisses Wolf.

It's so quick that Wolf almost misses it. He returns the kiss with a ghost one of his own and then they turn to wait for the bags. The first bags start to work their way around the carousel and eventually Alex spots both of theirs. He grabs them both and Wolf walks with him as they start to exit. Just as they're approaching the signs directing them to the tube station, the men and woman tailing them descend.

"Excuse me, Mr. Rider, we'd like you to come with us," the woman says.

Alex shoots Wolf a scared look and there's no way Wolf's going down without a fight. He steps between the two men and Alex. But he doesn't get far, and neither does Alex. They're both grabbed and cuffed. At least, Wolf thinks as he looks around, there aren't many people around to watch this.

They're roughly escorted to a waiting van. Wolf protests, tries getting them uncuffed, but it doesn't work. Alex looks at him and suddenly he can't take it anymore. He leans forward, kissing Alex hard. It startles them both a bit, but Alex smiles and spends the rest of the hour long drive with his head resting against Wolf's shoulder. They don't protest anymore and they're left alone.

They don't speak until they're again roughly escorted into an elevator. It's only now that they're uncuffed. Wolf notices, almost belatedly, that the woman is carrying their luggage. He nudges Alex who arches an eyebrow back at him. Wolf leans over, lips against Alex's ear when he speaks.

"Taking us to see Mr. Blunt, you think?" He whispers.

Alex nods, turning his head a bit and kissing Wolf softly.

Wolf thinks that if Alex was expecting to get a rise out of the agents, it wasn't working. He kisses Alex back and just as he's about to ask where they're going, the elevator doors open.

**Alex**  
The moment you see them, you know there's only one way for this to end. You're scared, this is why you didn't want to come back to England. But like you told Wolf, it had to happen sooner or later, and you'd rather get it over with now. You just didn't expect for them to accost you at the airport.

The elevator doors slide open and you see Mrs. Jones and Mr. Blunt waiting for you. There's disapproval on Mrs. Jones' face and you're surprised when you realize it's not directed at you or Wolf. Instead, it's at Mr. Blunt. You catch Wolf's gaze and you know he sees it too.

As you walk toward the office you're far too familiar with, you notice that Mr. Blunt looks older. You want to say something, a witty remark, but you don't. The last thing you want to do is get forced back into working for MI6. The only reason you're here is to promise you won't reveal any of your secrets, and to return the laptop Mrs. Jones gave Wolf.

Of course, you didn't promise not to copy that information. You imagine she knows that or will figure it out and just doesn't care. You think she's had enough of the way Blunt treats you just as much as you have. Maybe, somewhere, she has a child or maybe she sees you and thinks of the child she never had. It doesn't matter, because you know she's on your side.

The door opens and the office is irritatingly exactly the same as the last time you were there. Not that you really expected it to change, but still. Just as you're about to walk in, the woman leans in and whispers to you.

"Sorry about the cuffs." Her voice is barely audible and you don't turn, but she goes on. "Not our preferred method. You're a hero, kid. Get out while you can." And then she, followed by the two male agents, disappears.

You follow Wolf into the room, but neither of you sits. Mrs. Jones stands off to one side while Mr. Blunt walks over to his desk. He pretends to shuffle papers, but you know it's all for show. You glance at Wolf and you can tell he's going to speak. You reach over, touching his arm. He looks at you and you shake your head. He frowns, but doesn't say anything.

"Alex. Alex Rider. Nephew of Ian Rider. And what makes you think, young man, that you have any right to terminate your employment to MI6, hmm?" He says it so casually that you have to physically stop yourself from leaping across the table and strangling him.

You curl your hands into fists and press them against the sides of your legs. A few deep breaths later and you can finally reply without yelling. "I could expose you. I could destroy you and this agency. Sure, you could kill me. You could take out everyone I ever knew, but the truth would leak out."

Mr. Blunt looks at you, eyes narrowing and suddenly you know you've won. At least you know you're going to win. You glance at Mrs. Jones, but she just looks impassively at you.

"Go on, Alex." Mr. Blunt finally says.

"I was fourteen when you recruited me and don't even try to play it off any other way. I never wanted to be a spy, even after I found out what Uncle Ian did. I just wanted to be a normal boy and you ruined that for me." You feel everything start to build up inside you. You want to leave, you're trying to hold onto control and you feel like you're shaking. You want to look at Wolf for reassurance, but you can't look away from Mr. Blunt.

Mr. Blunt clears his throat and there's a playful smile on this lips. It disgusts you. "My dear boy, we can't just let you go."

You're about to respond, but Wolf beats you to it.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Blunt, but you don't have much of a choice. If you don't let Alex leave, the story _will_ be published. You might think you've got control, but you don't." Wolf's voice is steel and in that moment you could not love him more. You want to kiss him hard, you want the world to stop so you can tell Wolf just how much you love him, but it can't.

Mr. Blunt's reply is curt. "Mrs. Jones, please take them away."

It's what she says that's surprising. "I'm sorry, Alan, but I'm not going to let this happen."

You stare at Mrs. Jones and she gives you a look that makes you want to hug her, and you've never wanted to do that. Ever.

Mr. Blunt's gaze could cut glass. "What?"

You would have expected something a bit more articulate, but he's as shocked as you are.

Mrs. Jones just smiles. "Alan, we've discussed this repeatedly. Wolf will return the netbook and then you'll be letting them go."

You watch and then turn to Wolf, who just shrugs. He opens his backpack and pulls out the netbook. He steps forward and sets it on Mr. Blunt's desk.

"Thank you." It's Mrs. Jones because Mr. Blunt's too shocked to reply. She walks over and grabs the netbook and then turns to look at you and Wolf.

"Yeah?" You have no idea what's going on.

There's no trace of a smile on her face and you realize this is it. "Get your bags, you're leaving."

Wolf gets your bags and without turning back to look at Mr. Blunt, you both follow Mrs. Jones out of the office. She doesn't say anything as she takes you down the elevator. You expect ... You don't know what you expected, really. You give up expectations and you're surprised that you're so blasé about everything.

Three months earlier you were trying for death by Marine and now you're leaving MI6, hopefully forever. You glance over at Wolf and you don't know how any of this happened. But you don't have time to think about it now. You need to get out of here before somehow they find a way to keep you. The only thing you regret is that you never got to say goodbye to Smithers.

Just as suddenly as you were escorted into MI6, you're out. Mrs. Jones gives you one last lecture, you both sign more Official Secrets Act papers than you care to think about and then you're free. It's sunny, slightly warm and there's a car waiting for you. You try not to think about what just happened, instead you grip Wolf's hand as the car takes you to the place you used to call home.

**Wolf**  
It's easy to see why Alex loved living with Jack. Even though he's not entirely worried that Jack'll keep Alex for herself, he is concerned what she thinks of him. They weren't planning to stay the night, but Jack insisted. Her husband, a businessman with no ties to MI6 that she could find, would be home later, would they please stay for dinner? Even Wolf found it hard to refuse.

Alex excused himself for a shower, taking their bags upstairs and Wolf knew Jack was waiting for the chance to interrogate him.

"So, you know Alex ..." Jack starts cutting vegetables as she talks.

"Work." Wolf replies with a slight smile.

Jack laughs, turning around and looking at him. "Really?"

Wolf can't help but smile back at her. "We met before Alex's first mission." He isn't sure how much Jack knows.

"I remember. He pushed you out of the plane." She smiles at some long ago fond memory.

Wolf winces, but smiles softly. "He's exceptional."

Jack nods, then turns her gaze fierce. "If you hurt him, I will personally hunt you down and kill you."

For a moment Wolf doesn't respond. He likes that about Jack, he likes that there are people who care for Alex as much as he does. "If I hurt him," he begins, then stops, holding her gaze. "you have my permission to hunt me down."

He watches Jack process that and then she walks over to him and plants a kiss on his cheek. "Take care of him," she whispers, as though Alex could hear them talking from the upstairs bathroom. "He might think he doesn't need it, but he does."

Wolf grips her shoulders and stares right at her. "I'd give up my life for him." And he knows it's true. From the moment he met Alex, he knew he was special. And now ... Wolf doesn't quite know how it happened, he never thought he'd be the type to settle down. And maybe it's not technically settling down, but it doesn't matter because it's Alex.

Jack smiles as Wolf releases her and he decides they've reached an agreement. They don't talk about Alex any more, instead they discuss football, which Jack has recently become a fan of. They talk about food, about cooking, about everything that isn't MI6 or Alex. Wolf stands at the counter, helping her with dinner.

When the front door opens and Jack's husband enters, there are more introductions. Eventually Alex emerges from the shower and Wolf wants to whisk him away and kiss him so hard that the world stops moving. But he doesn't. Instead they make small talk, avoiding everything that might be sensitive. But right as they've finished dessert, it's Jack who brings up the topic no one mentions.

"Alex, are you going to see your parents' grave?" Silence descends on the table and Wolf tries to catch Alex's gaze, but he's looking straight at Jack.

He only nods.

"Ian's?" More silence, but this time Alex speaks.

His voice is firm, though Wolf can see through it. "I thought we'd go tomorrow, after I've taken care of my flat."

Wolf reaches over, squeezing Alex's hand. He's impressed that neither Jack nor her husband seem surprised. Of course, he thinks to himself, they knew about Tom.

"Good. I've been taking care of them for you." Her voice is soft and he squeezes Alex's hand tighter.

"Thank you," Alex replies and Wolf can tell he's barely holding on. That the day has finally been too much, but he can't figure out a graceful way for them to make an exit. But much to his surprise, it's Jack's husband who comes to their rescue.

"Jack, let's get these dishes taken care of." He turns to Alex and Wolf. "Please, make yourselves at home." He stands, smiling at them both before disappearing into the kitchen.

Jack looks as though she's going to say something, but Alex shakes his head. She leans across the table and kisses his cheek and then follows her husband into the kitchen. Wolf doesn't say anything, just pushes his chair back, stands and holds his hand out for Alex. They don't talk as they walk upstairs. It's quiet and Alex's room is dark.

He flips the light on and looks around. He thinks this is a boy's room and then he looks at Alex. There's no boy left in him and it breaks Wolf's heart. He reaches out, tugging Alex into his arms. They stand there for Wolf doesn't know how long. Eventually they pull apart, Alex shutting the door and locking it while Wolf opens their bags.

They don't talk, just change silently, taking turns in Alex's small bathroom before getting into his bed. It's big, Wolf thinks, and then he imagines that they might use this room for a guest room now that Alex is gone. He wonders why it hasn't changed. As if reading his mind, Alex starts talking.

**Alex**  
You don't know what it is, maybe it's being at home. Maybe it's finally feeling safe in your old bed, with Wolf's arms around you. Whatever it is, once you start, you can't stop. It's to Wolf's credit, you think, that he doesn't interrupt often. Only to ask a few occasional questions, but mostly he lets you explain everything.

You talk about growing up with Ian and Jack. You talk about school, about your first mission. About the posters on the walls, what you wanted to be when you grew up. You talk about Sabina and Tom and James. You don't talk about the rest of your missions and when Wolf asks why not, you reply that you've got the rest of your life to do that.

He kisses you then and you feel like everything will be all right. It scares you, especially because you don't know what your future holds, but you can't help the feeling. You kiss Wolf back and then crawl on top of him. For what feels like forever, he just holds you. And then you hear the sounds of Jack and her husband walking upstairs. They talk in hushed whispers and then you hear the door to their bedroom shut.

You kiss Wolf again and he kisses you back, arching up under you. You press against him and you feel him shudder under you. In the past three months you've gotten to know everything about Wolf. Maybe not everything, but enough that you know just what he likes. And he's gotten to know you, your scars, the way you whimper when he touches you. It makes you feel both vulnerable and loved all at once.

You think about Tom, about sex with Tom and how much fun it was. It's not that you don't have fun with Wolf, because you do, but everything's twice as intense. It's like his world revolves around you and when you're together, nothing else matters. You love it, you crave it and you think that you're a little bit addicted to him. You think maybe you should be worried about it, except for the fact that Wolf feels just the same as you.

Morning comes too soon, sun streaming in the windows, but it doesn't bother you now. Wolf's a morning and breakfast kind of person and like so many things about him, you love it. Because you love him. That revelation three months ago didn't change things, it just made everything clearer. You don't need to tell him, he doesn't need to tell you, because you just know.

You take a long, hot shower together. Closing your eyes as Wolf's hands rub soap over your body. He cups your cock in his hand and you come, shuddering and gasping, then laughing against his neck. You sink to your knees, fingers around his cock and you love going down on him. You suck hard, it doesn't take long and you hold his gaze as you swallow. He pulls you up, kissing you hard.

Breakfast is quiet, but rushed. Jack's husband leaves for work, hugging you awkwardly and you know they must have talked about you last night. Wolf excuses himself from the table with a kiss for you and heads upstairs to pack your bags. That leaves just you and Jack.

"Alex." Her voice is soft, caring and you miss her so much it hurts.

"I'm sorry, Jack." You don't want to cry, but you can't help it.

She gets up and walks around the table and wraps her arms around you. "My little baby, you're so grown up," she whispers softly.

"I know." You don't know what else to say.

"Do you love him?" You think she probably already knows the answer, but you reply anyway.

"I do. And he loves me." She touches your face gently and you didn't think leaving again would hurt so much.

"I know," she echoes your reply and you both smile. "He promised me he'd take care of you."

You can't help but smile. "We'll be fine."

"I know, Alex." She kisses your cheek again and then stands. "Where will you go?"

You shrug, because though you've made up your mind, you haven't told Wolf yet. "I'll send you a postcard."

Suddenly she throws her arms around you and when you hug her back, you can feel her crying. You're barely holding on and you're not ready to cry again just yet.

"Oh, Alex. I promised your uncle I'd take care of you," she whispers.

"And you did," you reply, because it's true.

She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, turning toward the kitchen. "But now you're leaving ..." She trails off and you know what she's worried about.

"I promise I'll see you again, someday." You hold her gaze for moment and then cross the room to give her another hug.

You pull back as you hear Wolf walking downstairs. He walks into the room and you can tell he already figured out what happened. He sets the bags on the floor and looks at you and then Jack.

"Thank you so much for letting us stay here," he says warmly and you cannot help but smile as he sweeps Jack up in a hug.

"You're always welcome here." Jack replies and you know she's trying not to cry.

You hug her again, and then you have to leave because if you don't now, you might never. She helps you carry your bags and a few boxes out to the car Wolf's rented. Another hug and then you're off. The rest of the day goes by in a blur. You visit your parents, your uncle. You tell Wolf things you swore you'd never tell anyone. He doesn't pressure you and apparently that's all it takes.

You stay at a hotel in London, it's nice. Nicer than anything you've been in, even the hotel in Germany. You don't know where all the money came from, but you think it's Mrs. Jones. All that back pay they never gave you or something, but you don't ask. Instead, you just crawl into bed with Wolf after you've finished off room service.

You're wearing just boxers, Wolf dressed the same, as you cuddle in his arms in bed. He kisses your forehead, then your mouth and you kiss him back. You don't talk at first, just thinking and listening. It's Wolf who breaks the silence first.

"Where do we go from here?" He presses his mouth against the top of your head, kissing you gently.

You briefly think he's asking about the relationship, but you catch up. You shift, resting on your elbow as you look down at him. He reaches out, touching your face. You turn your head, kissing his palm.

"Copenhagen," you reply, because you've got it all planned.

Wolf raises an eyebrow and you smile at him. "Denmark, that's it?"

You laugh, leaning down and kissing him again before answering. "Copenhagen for a night, then a flight to Greenland."

He studies you and you briefly wonder if you've said the wrong thing, but then he smiles. "Maybe we'll raise sheep or something," he teases and that's how you know everything will be all right.

He cups your face in his hand and kisses you. You kiss him back, crawling over him. This, whatever it is you have with Wolf, it feels like it's what you've always wanted. You don't know how, but you don't fight it. As you kiss him back, as his hands slide down your back, pressing your bodies together, you think it doesn't matter. Nothing matters except you and Wolf and the fact that you're finally free.


End file.
